This is just a warning to people who don't really like complaining. This post will probably be full of it, but it will probably make me feel better after I let it all out rather than do something I regret.
Ok so first off, I would like to say I had been doing better with handling myself after the robbery. Nights where I can't sleep because my mind is racing a million miles an hour are few and far between. I have my nights, but it has been better. Recently though it has been coming back where I zone out at some point in the day and I can't get the thought of the gun being put to my head out of my mind. I really wish I could forget about the whole ordeal, but there isn't a day I don't think about that night. One thing that sets me off thinking about it is when people loosely uses the phrase, "Well if you put a gun to my head and made me decide," or something along the lines of that. I really don't like hearing that because having a gun put to your head is not something you want. It is cold and it makes you feel helpless. It makes you think your life is about to end. It is probably one of the worst feelings you would ever feel and I would never wish that upon anybody.
Today has been probably the most crappy day I have had in a long time. First off, we are moving our shop after being at the place we been at for 15 years. My dad for some reason feels we can somehow magically move in 1 day and pick our work right back up. I have been trying to tell him that it isn't going to happen, but he thinks I'm trying to start a fight with him because that is just how he is. So it has been kind of a bad time trying to get out of there. Second, twice this week we have had a job mess up to where we had to fix it for free. My dad gets really mad about these kind of situations and takes his anger out on me and my brother. It really wears on me because I can't stand being treated like crap. If you treat me like crap I will let you know that I don't appreciate it. So naturally I get mad at my dad. He doesn't get that you can't treat your employees like crap and expect them to work harder. It makes them want to work less hard. So anyways, what makes him more mad about this 2nd job is that it really is not his fault. He built the job the way the customer wanted, but when they got it they realized it won't work the way it is and it needs to be rotated 90 degrees. It is a hard thing to do because the job is round when put together, but when apart its a flat bottom so you can just rotate it, you have to cut it and move things around. Anyways, my dad doesn't know how to stand up for himself and he lets these guys walk all over him then gets mad at my brother and I if we aren't working as fast as he thinks we should. It is just frustrating because I try hard to make my dad happy, but he just doesn't appreciate it.
Ok so here comes the toughest part of my post believe it or not. I am posting this next thing because A. I feel not too many people will read this and B. The people who will read this are good enough friends that should know this. As some may know, about a year ago I was going through a rough time. I was hurting physically and mentally. I had suicidal thoughts and it scared the crap out of me because that was the last thing I would ever want to do. Well recently the thoughts have been coming back and it scares me so much. I don't want to even be having these thoughts. That is why it scares me so much. Today has been the worst it has been since last year. The drive home from work was terrible, I was almost crying. Thankfully, the radio station had a question that got me to thinking about instead of thinking about that. When I got home I took a nap and when I woke up it was better and I haven't really thought about it since I woke up. I just hate the feeling I get when the thoughts pop in my head.
I don't know why, but lately I have just felt lonely. This is kind of embarrassing to admit, but I am 23 years old and I have never really had a real girlfriend. I have "dated" for like a week or 2 with a couple, but that is it. I know what my problem is. It is that I am way too shy when it comes to talking to girls and I have a huge fear of rejection. I can't tell you how many times I have been rejected. One of my other problems is that I don't really talk to that many girls. The ones I do talk to are either taken or I feel like they wouldn't date me. So I really don't know what to do anymore.
I think that might be it for now. I am pretty sure that is all I needed to get off my chest tonight. It has taken me like 45 minutes to type this and I need to go to bed so I can get up on time to go start another day at work. Hopefully tomorrow will be better because my mom is coming to help move some stuff.
